My labor was prolonged and painful. Because it was so early, the Kiss band end of the tour 2023 signatures shirt Next goal was, unusually, to keep the baby in, not push him out. Each additional day in utero—each additional day I labored—meant healthier lungs, a stronger heart, a better life. Each day counted. For reasons I can’t recall, the doctors couldn’t offer me pain medication. But fighting labor is agonizing and unnatural and so they did let me know that as soon as I said the word, they would relieve me of the baby. But what kind of mother would ever say the word? What mother would choose her baby’s suffering over her own? A day passed. I labored. Another day passed. I labored. 12:01 p.m. became the most torturous time of day. How could I cave then, having already endured more than half the day? Time passed. I labored. I wore a mask. I was miserable. I didn’t know how to give birth. I had been planning to take a birthing class at 30 weeks pregnant, but, well. More time passed. I labored. I was desperate to deliver the baby. I labored. I was desperate not to deliver the baby. At the point when I felt completely incapable of continuing to labor, at the point where I had decided to throw up my hands and admit that I was a terrible mother who could not put her child first, who, when it mattered most, could not just deal, I got an infection. In the end, it was an emergency C-section that spared me from having to face the guilt of giving up on my baby. The operation went smoothly.
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